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| My cousin Ericka sent me these quizzes through myspace. Feel free to copy them and fill them out with your own answers! Quiz 1
How much have YOU changed in 5 years?
Body: Actually, I was probably 7-10 pounds heavier. I'm pretty fine-boned, so even 5 pounds is enough to really change my appearance...it all goes straight to my face. Blah.
How old were you?: 19
Where did you go to school?: Umaine, Orono
Where did you live?: On campus during the school year, and then they shipped me back to Lamoine.
Where did you hang out?: My bedroom. Or Cara's bedroom.
How was your hair style?: Mmmm, shoulder length, I think.
Did you wear braces?: No, thank God.
Did you wear glasses?: Nope.
Who were your best friends? Cara (of course!), Jeanine, ummm...I was pretty isolated back then actually.
Who was your regular-person crush? Well, I was in the middle of a new relationship at the time, but I think I may have had a tinsy-winsy one on Cara's friend Danny.
How many tattoos did you have?: None. And I never will.
How many piercings did you have?: 3
What car did you drive?: This is really embarrasing, but I didn't have my license back then, so basically I drove whatever my parents were driving...which would have been a blue Dodge truck, or a Dodge Caravan.
What was your favorite band/group?: Mmmm. Probably Ani DiFranco, but I really can't remember.
What was your worst fear? My significant other being harmed by someone.
Had you gotten drunk or high yet?: Yes and No.
Had you driven yet?: Yes.
Had you been to a real party yet?: You betcha!
Had your heart broken?: Yes.
**HA HA HA!!! LETS SEE WHAT YOU ARE NOW !!!!!**
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July 2006
Size: 4.
How old are you?: 24.
What grade are you in? Graduated in August of 05'
Where do you go to school?: I'll be taking a class in Spanish Medical Interpreting at Umaine Orono in the fall.
Where do you work?: Eastern Agency on Aging as an Americorp Vista.
Where do you live: Brewer.
Where do you hang out? At the apartment...and sometimes at Nicki and Marc's house too. And in Lamoine.
How is your hair style?: Chin-length, colored a copper/auburn, and with super-amazing roots showing because I'm in desperate need of a haircut.
Do you have braces?: No, thank God.
Do you wear glasses?: No, I'll probably have to get them when I'm 45.
Who is your best friend? Cara, Jeanine, Andrew, plus some other great new people!
Still talk to any of your old friends: Thankfully, yes.
Who is your celebrity crush?: Ewan McGregor and Jason Bateman.
Who is your regular-person crush?: My husband!
How many piercings do you have?: 3
How many tattoos?: See the above response.
What kind of car do you have?: Ha! A 1991 Chevy Berreta. White. With a hoodskirt. Ohhh yeaahh.
What is your favorite band/group?: Ummm...I don't have a dominant favorite.
What is your biggest fear?: Failure, dissapointment, fire, physical pain, oh and spiders of course!
Have you been to a real party?: I AM a real party!
Has your heart been broken? Yes.
Quiz 2
1) Do you have a penis?
Well that depends on your definition of 'penis'....KIDDING!!!
2) Do you pray?
Not nearly as much as I should.
3) Are you in love?
Yes.
4) Ever wish on stars?
Never.
5) Do you believe in karma?
In a way I suppose...though not specifically in the Hindi concept.
7) Have you ever almost died?
Sort of. I've never been near death, but I've been in some very life-threatening situations.
8) Ever broken any bones?
No, thank God.
9) Do you cry during sad movies?
Yep.
10) Do you like to dance?
LOVE to dance.
11) Ever laid under the stars?
Is there anyone who hasn't?
12) Ever sat on a rooftop?
Of course.
13) Is there a such thing as a soul mate?
I think so.
14) Could you live without the television?
Yes.
15) Could you live without music?
This is scandalous to many...but yes I could.
16) Do you have any self inflicted scars?
No. I have enough from surgeons.
17) What do you dislike the most about life?
Human cruelty.
18) Have you ever been to jail?
Never even stepped inside a jail.
19) Ever had a job for less than a day?
No, actually, which is a little surprising.
20) Ever been fired on your first day?
Nope.
21) Ever been fired because of your attitude?
Mmmm, not exactly.
22) Do you get jealous of other people?
No.
23) Would you rather love someone or be loved?
Love someone.
24) What's under your bed right now?
Ummm, probably dust clumps and Andy's old running shirts.
25) Ever done anything illegal?
Yes.
26) Have you ever been dumped?
HARD! Like the trash!
27) Ever dumped somebody?
Same as above.
28) How cool are you?
I'm pretty cool.
29) Do you support abortion?
Unless your health is seriously at risk, then no.
30)Do you believe in God?
And his Son Jesus Christ.
31) Did you graduate high school?
Yes.
32) Do you wear the same clothes two days in a row?
In certain circumstances, yes.
33) Have you ever driven someone crazy?
Probably my mother.
35) Ever done the Macarena?
Not willingly.
36) Do you act your age?
Yes.
37) Is it okay to disrespect your parents?
Ummm, not under any reasonable scenario I can think of.
38) Do you flush the toilet when you're done?
Yes.
39) How long do you stay in the shower?
Probably 15 minutes.
40) What kind of soap do you use?
Currently, Dove, but I am ADDICTED to Bath and Body Works.
41) Are mullets cool?
Only on me.
42) Spiderman, Batman, or Superman?
Batman.
43) Do you like your middle name?
It's ok.
44) Has anyone ever cheated on you?
Yes.
46) What's your favorite animal?
Impossible to choose. I love animals.
47) Favorite flower?
Probably lilacs and morning glories.
48) Have you ever shaved your head?
Come close, but no.
49) Do you think marijuana should be legal for medicinal use?
Yes.
50) Do you think it is okay to drink and drive?
No.
51) If you won $1 million dollars, what would you buy first?
I'd buy my Dad a motorcycle.
52) Do you fear terrorism?
A little bit, but that's only when I'm traveling out of the country. All in all, I think we are very safe here.
54) What's your favorite candle scent?
Pomagranite.
55) Do you use profanity?
More than I should.
56) Who's the last person you talked to on AIM?
I don't have AIM.
57) What's something you're ashamed of?
What I did to a friend once.
58) What woke you up last night?
I can't talk about that.
59) What did you dream about last night?
A hodge-podge of retail shopping, orphans from India, and international travel plans.
60) Ever been to the zoo?
San Diego's Wild Animal Park is AWESOME!
61) How many beers did you have today?
I don't like beer.
62) What's the last movie watched?
Uhhh, maybe Two For the Money? It was ok.
63) Are you usually late or on time?
LATE!
64) What's a cartoon you watch often?
South Park.
65) Do you have any imaginary friends?
No.
66) Are you waiting on something right now?
A invitation for a job interview.
67) Who's pretty?
My girlfriends, my Mom, and Angelina Jolie. Lot of people I know! (Not that I know Angelina Jolie : )
68) Who's ugly?
Nobody I know.
69) Are you worried about something?
Yes.
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| Glade
Fiddle-heads unfurl a weighted sigh
Supporting dusk with resplendence
And the fecundity of decay.
The in-between places hang laundered
On slickest branches,
Interrupted with saline soaked webs
And an unbelievable moss.
An unforeseen space settles,
Burdened by the immediate death
Of a leaf's release.
The air is wilted with resolve,
Complicit in it's own decomposition.
The condensation, the fumes of submission,
Ancient scent of permission,
The conspiracy of petrification and resistance.
Soil sweats in silent struggle
Steam swirls and captures an aimless glisten
And brings a damp sorrow felt between the knees.
The quieting of a golden breath
A porous glimmer dissolves the dew of descending thoughts
And memory made solvent by a measured gaze.
By the gloss of a reclusive moon, wet ochre curls lie limp and placid,
And the unleavened, the unperceived, the uneven lead of admiration.
A sullen glade, a still-born moment, devastated by mold and loss.
The self-consumption of an imbalanced recollection,
Deadened by the crushing burden of a late forest tide.
A spore lost in the lush lichen of doubt.
An unforgivable glance, sealed in warm wax,
Fermented in distant night-orchards of pungent remorse.
I've been working on-and-off on this for about a week. I may have finally broken through my almost 4 year long moratorium of creative writing. Suggestions are welcome, though if you'd rather not, then that's fine too. This was really for your enjoyment. I hope you do.
Yes, Janna's head space is a very curious place. - Location:Couch
- Mood:Moist
- Music:Sufjan Stevens
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| Note of warning: This could be a really long entry
In keeping with the reoccuring theme of the past few months, often, when I have an important decision to make, or problem to solve, I find it helpful to think-it-out out-loud. Here is the bottom line: it is decision time. I've been mumbling and moping and moaning about this difficulty for about two and a half months now, and I am really not much closer to a solution than when I began. So. I have, as far as I can gather, three or four dilemas that need to be resolved. Some of them are long-term and some are short.
1. I need to decide, whether or not to re-enlist for a second year of working as a Vista at my current position in the ADRC project (must decide by July 18th).
2. If I decide not to continue as a Vista, then what am I going to do in the short term to make a living?
3. Do I need/want to go back to school?
4. If I decide I need/want to go back to school, what field should I pursue, based on my abilities and strengths?
5. Once I narrow down a field, what are the possiblities once I follow that path?
Ok, so that's more like four or five dilemas. I think the first question might be best addressed by listing the pros and cons.
1. I need to decide, whether or not to re-enlist for a second year of working as a Vista at my current position in the ADRC project (must decide by July 18th).
If I decide to stay (Pros)
1. I will receive an additional education award of about $4,500, bringing the total amount of money earmarked for school to close to $9,000.
2. I will be able to say that I have 2 years experience in the job I'm currently doing. Most employers are asking for several years of experience when they hire. Very few employers ask that someone only have one year of experience.
3. There is still a possiblity that the project I am working on will receive Federal funding (the state has applied for the money, and we will not know the outcome of the Administration on Aging's decision until well after the deadline I have to make a commitment one way or the other), in which case, my job could turn into a 'real' job with 'real' wages and 'real' benefits.
4. I more or less enjoy my current job. I definately don't want to do it long term, but I do enjoy the atmosphere, my coworkers, the opportunities to meet new people and participate in certain comittees, and the fact that I am not micromanaged.
If I decide to stay (Cons)
1. I will not be allowed to take classes in order to prepare myself to enter a graduate program in the following year. These are the rules for Vistas. We are not permitted to take classes, unless we get permission all the way up the chain of command. Even if I can get permission for one class, I certainly wouldn't be permitted to take more than one.
2. I will continue to make $800 dollars a month, (well, actually less than that after taxes). This is not a livable wage. Currently, this does not cover half of our living expenses. Andrew must earn over $1,000 a month to break even, and this can not be guaranteed. He makes money if he sells machines. If he doesn't sell anything, then he doesn't get anything, and then we in the red after about a month.
3. My car is going to die before the winter. The necessary repairs would cost thousands of dollars, so its not worth putting one cent into. Even if we bought another crappy car (which I really don't want to do if I can avoid it), we would still be looking at another $100 to $150 in additional payments, as well as putting some serious money down. Serious money that we do not possess right now. If I stay in this job, there is a significant possibility that we will be unable to afford to buy a vehicle once the Berretta craps out.
4. I will continue to be prohibited from securing part time employment to supplement my income.
5. Although there is a possibility that my position will become fully funded, and eventually could turn into a 'real' position, there is also an equally likely possibility that it will not. This job could very likely go nowhere and turn into nothing. Furthermore, there is a possibility that my supervisor will assign me additional duties after December, to make up for the staff she will lose if we don't get the funding. So I could end up doing the work of fully paid staff...but not receive any addittional compensation for it.
I think that summarizes the situation pretty well. It would be really nice if next year I could walk away from the situation with $9,000 in a trust for grad school. That would be, like, probably, a little more than a third of it paid for. That's huge, and I have to ask myself how likely it is that I'll be able to save $4,500 dollars at another job. At the same time, an equally important consideration is the fact that our current situation is not sustainable. I am not making anywhere near enough money to ensure that we don't have to move back in with our parents. Of course, Andy could make a ton of money at his job...but he could also make nothing. I think the prudent approach is hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. Preparing for the worst means finding a job that pays a real wage. Even if it costs me $4,500 bucks. That's how I interpret the facts. If anyone else has a different perspective, I am very eager to hear it.
2. If I decide not to continue as a Vista, then what am I going to do in the short term to make a living?
Well, I know what I would prefer NOT to do. I would prefer not to work as a sales clerk again. Ever. I am so sick and tired of being crapped on by customers and managers in retail stores. If I have to go that route, I will, but it WILL be a last resort. Actually, some of you might find this hard to believe, or slightly blasphemous, but based on my past experiences, I would rather work for a corporate chain store than a small buisness. The three worst employment experiences of my life have been with small buisness owners. Of course I recognize that corporations crap on their employes A LOT, but with the small buisness, there is no Human Resources department. There is no one to air your grievences to if you feel you're being harrased or treated unfairly. Many, many small buisness owners can't afford to pay for health insurance or retirement, it's more likely you'll get those benefits working full time for a large employer. Anyway. Retail is the last choice
I've been scouring the Bangor Daily online jobs postings, and there are several possibilities that don't involve retail. There have been a few places, that I believe are probably rather similar to the company Nicki works for, who are looking for someone to work one-on-one with people with disabilities. The university is currently hiring for some administrative assistant positions, as well as for a library technician. I'd probably be qualified to apply for those openings. Yesterday I spent some time printing off listings, and after I searched all the listings, I had at least ten or twelve different choices. I am a little concerned that it is too early to be putting a lot of energy into applying, since I won't be done at the agency until August 19th. But, I'll never know the outcome if I don't try, and who knows, maybe some of these places will be willing to wait for me to complete my term. Maybe our time tables will line up perfectly. That's what I'm hoping anyway.
The answer to this question isn't really one I can answer. I just have to get my applications out there and see what bites. It makes me nervous because its not in my hands. I can't make somebody hire me. All I can do is put together the best resume I can, and hope for the best...which isn't going to reduce my anxiety at all. The last resume I put together was as good as it could possibly be, and I wasn't even considered for an interview. So I'm not feeling confident that any employer is going to want to hire me. I'm feeling pretty damn insecure in this area, and that's a tough way to be when I have to go out there and try to sell whatever 'skills' I might have. I don't know what is going to resolve this worthless/punched in the gut feeling. Probably landing a real job would help a little bit. (Of course this is assuming that I actually do decide to leave Vista).
3. Do I need/want to go back to school?
There isn't anything related to my anthropology degree that I can do that doesn't require a doctorate. Likewise, there really isn't anything unrelated to anthropology that I would want to do that doesn't require at least a masters...with one exception. Technically, I wouldn't need a graduate degree to start my own buisness. There are lots of educational resources to help people through the process. To start and run a buisness, I would probably only need a few classes...maybe an associates degree. Maybe. But although this buisness idea has stuck with me over the months since it first came to me(unlike many of my flash in the pan ideas), there is a lot of risk involved. What am I going to do if my enterprise fails? What if no one will loan me start up funds? What if I don't make any money? What if I go through bankrupcy and end up owing lenders my kidneys? Several people have called me a pessimist before, that I always look at what can go wrong, that I always assume I'm going to fail. They may be right about that aspect of my personality, but it doesn't mean that I am wrong to consider what the consequences are. I just feel that if I don't plan on going back to school, and if I put all of my hopes into a buisness, then its going to be a feast or famine situation, both money-wise and career-wise. Since I'm not qualified to really do anything other than entry level jobs, I'll end up doing something I don't enjoy in the meantime, just to get me through to the day when I can start a buisness. And that could take a long time. I don't want to be miserable at my job for the next 15 years, making next to minimum wage, saving every last spare penny until the day when I can finally afford to be my own boss. I have no doubt that I would really enjoy the process of starting a buisness. I just don't want to have to live in poverty for the next few decades in order to see that happen.
If I went and pursued a graduate degree (in something marketable this time!), then I would have more possibilities. Hopefully, I would be able to land a job where I could apply at least some of my talents, and wouldn't be a total pundit for whatever system I'd be absorbed by. And getting a graduate degree does not prohibit me from running a buisness in the future! But not getting a graduate degree seriously prohibits me from other opportunities that I might be a good fit for. Hmmm. That makes sense to me. Thoughts anyone???
4. If I decide I need/want to go back to school, what field should I pursue, based on my abilities, strengths and goals?
As you have read over the past months, I have A LOT of ideas about what I think I'd be good at, and what I think would make me happy. And I'll just say this right up front, I've been reconsidering some ideas that I had put in the 'fat chance' pile. The way I see it, there are the basic paths I could follow.
1. A masters in anthropology/ sociolinguistics
2. A masters in Social Work
3. A masters in Buisness Administration
4. A masters in Public Policy/ Public Administration
5. A masters in Foreign Language
And there are some other nice ideas, like going to art school to be a metalworker, but those are a little less realistic in the 'let's actually try to make a living after all this expensive education' department.
5. Once I narrow down a field, what are the possiblities once I follow that path?
Ok, so to pursue careers with #s 1 and 4 would very likely mean I would have to leave the state to find a job. And that is a HUGE drawback. Because I really want to stay. Really. #1 would probably require a PhD, and I would have to leave the state to get it...because Umaine doesn't really offer a PhD in that. #5 basically leads me to a teaching career...which although I love the subject area, I'm not that psyched about the idea of teaching. Especially to younger people...which is where all the demand is. #3 would be nice to have, but I don't really need that level of education, or the associated expense to accomplish my goal in that area.
#2. Social Work. This is a field that I had scorned earlier (due to the shell shock I experienced during what I will call the Medicare debacle). But when I was looking at the employment listings in the Bangor Daily, there were at least ten to 15 different openings for people with an MSW degree. And the salaries were in the 45-55 thousand dollar range...which is awesome for this area. I'm beginning to give this arena more thought than before. I may have been quick to brush it off before. Yes, I have witnessed first hand the frustrations social workers go through here at the agency, but it wouldn't be very wise to assume that Eastern Agency during Med-D season is an accurate representation of the entire field of social work. It is a very diverse practice that provides a variety of services to many different populations. Importantly, I am quite confident in my ability to earn a live-able wage, and be able to stay in Maine, all with very little risk. These are traits that the other possibilities do not posses. As far as I can see.
Well, after laying out all the options, I actually am thinking a little clearer about all these decisions. The bottom line, as I said before, is that a decision has to be made. I can not continue to drift like this much longer. I can change course down the road if I want, but I need to choose a path for now. I don't have to force myself to do one thing and one thing only for the rest of my life, but I do need a plan for the foreseeable future.
Please! Please tell me if my thinking has been faulty or shallow in relation to any of the questions I have posed. If my judgment seems cloudy, just know, that I need clear perspective now more than ever.
- Mood:determined
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| Finally, I feel like I can enjoy in the fruits of the 21st century! For the first time, I am able to write from the comfort of my couch (as opposed to sneaking in sentences at work, always freaking out when anyone ever passes my cubicle). And I must say, it is a sweet triumph. An expensive triumph...but a triumph none the less. This new found freedom to communicate and pursue interests while at home should lessen the temptation to do so at work. I mean really. I'm stuck in front of a computer most of the day, and there are millions of fascinating websites and people and products right at my fingertips. And so while I'm supposed to be researching the latest list of assisted living facilities in Somerset county, or how to get some guy help paying for replacing his leaky windows, I am very tempted by my livejournal, by beliefnet, by wikipedia, by a number of other sites that always seem oh so much more interesting than what ever subject I am supposed to be pursuing at the moment. Naturally, since I haven't had any at-home computer access for the past, oh, 9 or 10 months, using the work computer from time to time for non-work related activities has become a necessity. Bills need to paid, emails must be written, Scientologists must be harangued. I mean come on. There's a lot to attend to. Now that my super-marvelous MacBook has arrived, I will be able to do all these things without fear of someone looking over my shoulder. It's a little funny in a way, because the past 10 months have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the world has changed so, so much from even 8 or 9 years ago. In the 90's not having immediate access to a home computer or the internet would have been a little challenging, but of course there was always the computer lab at school. But I've been going nuts, and have felt totally incapacitated at times. Especially since my prefered mode of communication is more and more often the computer. The phone is still good for important conversations. But all in all, I like the phone a lot less since I've gotten out of high school. Granted I'm not to the point yet where I prefer typing out messages to actually seeing someone face to face. I'm reminding myself of a conversation I had earlier in the day with my mom and my grandmother that was loosely related to all of this. My grandmother was debating whether or not she will end up going to her 50th high school reunion this year. Both she and my mom were saying how they hadn't heard from or seen hardly a single person from their classes. It made me think about how much the internet has changed that for our generation. Our parents and grandparents had very few means of remaining in contact with friends and acquaintances from their past, and usually only really important or especially close friendships would continue on beyond high school or college etc. We can stay connected to each other through myspace, through group email, through online journaling etc. I would wager a guess that by the time we reach our 50th high school reunion, the majority of us will have been in loose contact with many of our old classmates, and will probably have a better idea as to what everyone has been up to. For my grandmother, and my mother for that matter, her high school reunion will be her first opportunity to catch up with acquaintances she's had since she graduated. For us it will be super different. And I think that's probably a good thing.
Speaking of myspace, I've gotten my act together and created a page. I think I'm probably listed as Janna Duym-Jensen, or Janna-Margaret Duym-Jensen, though I can't remember precisely, because I wasn't paying that much attention when I was signing up. I included Duym, just because there are probably some people out there who might look for me, but wouldn't have any way of knowing what my married name is. If any of you are on myspace, just let me know, and I'll add you as a friend. I've also decided to post mundane daily notes and details there. Some of you may be familiar with my self-professed memory problems- I have a rather poor memory for what I do day to day. Often I am unable to remember much of anything from two days ago. So myspace will be a place for recording details, mostly for my own memory. I truly wonder if anyone else would find them terribly interesting, though you never know. Some of you seem to find my musings here somewhat worth reading, so I suppose I will let you be the judge. If any of you are not on myspace, well, then you should be, because well, you might just run into someone you've been hoping to get in contact with. Who knows? It's very entertaining to come across people you haven't heard from in several years. So there. I recommend you go and get yourselves 'hooked up'.
Cara and I have made a pinky-swear deal. So it is a non-retractable contract. I am charged with the task of attempting to educate myself on the Meyers-Briggs Personality Analysis methodology, and she has been charged with learning as much as she can about Scientology. During her visit we discovered that we each had very passionate interests in these particular subjects, but knew fairly little about the interest of the other, and thus, it was very difficult to have intelligent conversation about said subjects, simply due to a lack of education. Actually, I probably shouldn't say we 'discovered' this, becauses that makes it sound like this is a new revelation. Actually, she has been obsessed with Meyers Briggs for like, over 2 years. So this is nothing new. My passion for Scientology and other fabulous New American Religious Movements has probably crystalized since the fall. I don't know exactly what started it...I think maybe it all began when Andy came home one night and told me about a radio program he had been listening to that featured a Scientology expert, and all the things he was saying sounded too bizzare to be true. So I had to check it out for myself. And big surprise, truth is way, way stranger than fiction. Maybe I should just say THEIR truth IS fiction. And of course then I met Chris, and we shared this total lightbulb moment in the break room at Eastern Agency, (this was back when he was temping) when we realized that yes, there was another person in our immediate universe who was as facinated by Scientology as ourselves. So that only added fuel to the fire. In any event, hopefully in the future she and I will be able to better engage the other with the subjects that we just can't seem to get enough of.
Andrew and my brother are going to Foxwoods tomorrow. Kinda wierd, I know, but a trip to Foxwoods was a reward for the Bangor Electrolux branch for performing so well during the April sales drive. I would be going, but I have used up all my sick and vacation days for the year, so since the trip goes into Monday, there is no real ethical way for me to skip out of work, even though I would probably really enjoy it. Truth be told, I enjoy gambling. The only game we have really gotten into has been craps, which definately took a little bit of time to learn. But we did have some moderate success with it. We won 200 buck on the little cruise we took during our honeymoon. The real pisser is this: in the state of Conneticut, you have to be 21 years old to gamble. So my brother can't play any of the games. Yeah. He can go to war. But he can't play craps at Foxwoods. I am continuously awed at the nonsensical laws in this country. I'll save my diatribe for another day.
Oh yes, I made mention of it in myspace, but I'll mention it here too. Last night Andrew and I went to the Black Maria film festival at the Grand. Josh Raymond informed me of its existance. I'm so totally isolated and ignorant these days that I had no idea what the Black Maria film festival was, or what place it holds in the independent film world. I am so very glad that I went. Instead of my trying to give a very innept description of what the Black Maria is all about, you can just follow the following link if you really want to know: www.blackmariafilmfestival.org. I'm getting a little Lj-ed out, so maybe I'll go into more detail later...or maybe I won't. For now though, all I can say is that it was super cool. - Mood:frustrated
 - Music:Something by Collective Soul
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| The subject line of this entry is irrelevant. I just wanted to write it...so I did.
If I unpredictably break into stream-of-consciousness verse, no worries as I am still recovering from my adventurous weekend with Cara, who has made the wise decision to take a vacation in response to losing her job. We have been to the Bancock, (twice), Rupinuni's (once was PLENTY), and copious amounts of time lounging, discussing our mental health, and Meyers-Briggs personality analysis. Now while this may sound totally wild and out of control to most of you, I assure you, we did not strain ourselves in the least bit.
There have been a few interesting developments since the last post. Firstly, Andrew and I welcomed a new furry friend into our home. She is a hamster named Peach, and she enjoys exercising, hoarding and nibbling. Actually I share two out of her three interests, and you can take a wild guess as to which two they are. When I bring her into the kitchen, and turn on my table lamp, her normally cream toned fur takes on a pink/peach/spanish orange hue. She has a very independent spirit and is rather nippy. I believe she prefers to be admired from afar. She is a very pleasant creature to come home to at the end of the day. She has very beady eyes, gray ears, and spidey sense, prefering to scale the walls of her cage rather than taking the stairs.
Andrew has begun the process of looking for another job. He will continue to work for Electrolux until he finds something different that meets both criteria: 1. A guaranteed paycheck of some amount comprable to but hopefully greater than what he was making at the farm, and 2. Some career/growth opportunity within the buisness. There are quite a few different leads/possibilities in the Bangor area. The challenge is going to be, continuing to make an effort to bring in an income while he is still at Electrolux, while simultaneously and actively looking for something else. Personally, I think its pretty impressive that he/we have survived this job for 6 months. Given all the expenses we've had, like the trip to Switzerland and the usual bills, I'm pretty impressed that we're not broke. We are always living month to month...but we aren't broke. I piss and moan about how nerve-wrecking it is to go 6 weeks without making hardly anything, but we've been living this way for some time now...and we're not out on the street. So things could be worse. They could be a lot better...but the opposite is true as well.
I have been wrestling A LOT with the decision to stay on with Vista another year...or to throw in the towel and look for something else. So after a lot of communicating and miscommunicating with my boss, I've wound up in kind of the same place as Andrew. I'm actively looking for something different. And believe me, it hasn't been an area of my life with a whole lot of clarity. When I started this job last year, my supervisors were pretty confident that this project would likely turn into a full time position. Well, like I've said to some people, I don't enjoy getting hurt...but I really can't stand being dissapointed, and dissapointment usually happpens when I put my faith in, or give creedence to the perspectives and hopes of other people. When I hope for an outcome which is totally in the hands of others, then that is a breeding ground for dissapointment...because there's always a little voice in my head that knows what the worst case outcome could be in any given situation. So when that worse case outcome materializes, even worse than the consequences is that little voice saying "You knew this would happen". So to make a long rant just a hair longer, the point of the matter is that I have an opportunity in August to make a clean break, with no expectations for the future. If I leave in August, my hopes for this position will not continue to be dashed on the jagged cliffs of mismanagement and beauacracy. I will not be waiting for other people to "keep it together" for me, I will not be waiting for other people to tell me an affirmation or negation of what my possibilities are, and I will not be waiting to base my life decisions on the whims of fancy of the upper management of the Department of Health and Human Services. So there. I am looking for something else...because if I don't, then I'll be gambling away more power over my destiny than I can afford to loose. God has given us the power of choice and free will, and that is much too valuble a commodity to place in the hands of others.
Because at least one of us, if not both of us will have shinier, newer, more lucrative employment in the upcoming months, we went out on a limb and bought a computer. This will come as good news to some, as the computer is really one of my favorite ways (if not THE favorite) to communicate, and for the past, um, 9 or 10 months, I have only been reachable Monday through Friday 8:00 to 4:30. Now I will be able to pay my bills, keep up with my friends, engage in my anthropological experiments on beliefnet, research all of my interests, and just simply enjoy the fruits of being alive in the 21st century. I am so stoked! This computer is WAY overdue. My first laptop died not long after we first moved to Brewer, so its been a while since I've been able to accomplish anything at home beyond solitare and Civ III. Music! Photos! Wikipedia! Beliefnet! I love it all, and I am ravenously anticipating a note in my mailbox from the Fedex man (or woman, I suppose) saying that our shiny new toy has arrived.
So what machine did we choose you ask? Well, we have changed teams and have purchased a Mac! Yes, a 13 inch MacBook. (Not a MacBook Pro, cuz those are like $2,500 bucks). White. Superdrive. Built in iCamera. Garage band program. iLife and iWork software. It's gonna be awesome! And get this: it comes with a free iPod Nano! (After mail-in rebate of course) And get this: After the rebate, it was like $1,250!!! Such a good deal! Love it. Hopefully it will work when it gets here.
- Mood:slow churned
- Music:air conditioning
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| I'm taking a little break from the usual piss and vinegar. Presently I can't seem to synthesize all my thoughts into a meaningfull or coherent "essay-cito", so I won't try. Besides, a little stream-of-conciousness writing might be good for the constitution,...(MY constitution, not THE constitution)...ok, so:
What have I been up to these days? Well, I'm in the middle of two books at the moment. I'm down to the last chapter of The Jesus I Never Knew, by Philip Yancey, who if memory serves me, is one of the chief editors- if not the editor of Christianity Today Magazine. This is the first book by Yancey that I've picked up, but from the very little that I've read from his columns in CT, I've seen him as a very moderate voice of reason in the present day Evangelical community. He's recently written another book I believe is titled: The Scandle of the Evangelical Mind, which, from the reviews I've read, is a to-the-point criticism of Evangelical Christians as a group, concerning how certain Evangelical demographics have even HIGHER rates of divorce than mainstream secular Americans, and thus basically how there are many Christians who profess faith with their lips but live a different example. Anyhow, that's the other book. The book I'M reading, in a nutshell, is about how Jesus is both much fiercer and uncompromising, and at the same time, more compassionate and forgiving than most of us realize...including Yancey. Much of the book is dedicated to how mainstream, evangelical, and catholic chuches have it all wrong about Jesus...especially when it comes to mixing His message with secular politics-- not that it shouldn't be done, but rather that it should be done in a totally new way. I don't have the book right in front of me, and as so many of you are aware of the brevity of my memory, I can't report much on the book beyond what I've given, (actually I'm surprised that I was able to say that much). It has nothing to do with the quality of the book, and entirely to do with my mental capacity. The book is worth the time. It's a super fast read, and very unpretentious, which is characteristic of what I've read of Yancey thus far. Its not awesomely profound, and lacks the socratic and agile arguments and craft of C.S. Lewis...who really is the master of our time of apologetics, but I'd still recommend the book none the less. Great read for new christians...and christians who are super addicted to their mental renderings of Christ... which would really include all of us. So there.
The other book I've been swept away by, as I have mentioned in an earlier post, is Love In The Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I could be wrong, but I don't think this is the first time I've read Marquez. I think my mom mailed me News of a Kidnapping when I was in La Paz. That book wasn't nearly as memorable as the present one is. Then again that could have a lot to do with the translation, as all I've been exposed to thus far has been the English versions. Not to say that Kidnapping was poorly translated...as I doubt it was, but I will say that Cholera is masterful. Kidnapping was written while Marquez was still a journalist in Bogota. Cholera was written after he had won the Nobel Prize, I believe. Here is the an excerpt from the first page and a half:
It was inevitable: the scent of bitter almonds always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love. Dr. Juvenal Urbino noticed it as soon as he entered the still darkened house where he had hurried on an urgent call to attend a case that for him had lost all urgency many years before. The Antillean refugee Jeremiah de Saint-Amour, disabled war veteran, photographer of children, and his most sympathetic opponent in chess, had escaped the torments of memory with the aromatic fumes of gold cyanide.
He found the corpse covered with a blanket on the campaign cot where he had always slept, and beside it was a stool with the developing tray he had used to vaporize the poison. On the floor, tied to a leg of the cot, lay the body of a black Great Dane with a snow-white chest, and next to him were the crutches. At one window the splendor of dawn was just begining to illuminate the stifling, crowded room that served as both bedroom and laboratory, but there was enough light for him to recognize at once the authority of death. The other windows, as well as every other chink in the room, were muffled with rags or sealed with black cardboard, which increased the oppressive heaviness. A counter was crammed with jars and bottles without labels and two crumbling pewter trays under an ordinary light bulb covered with red paper. The third tray, the one for the fixative solution, was next to the body. There were old magazines and newspapers everywhere, piles of negatives on glass plates, broken furniture, but everything was kept free of dust by a diligent hand. Although the air coming through the window had purified the atmosphere, there still remained for the one who could identify it the dying embers of hapless love in the bitter almonds. Dr. Juvinal Urbino had often thought, with no premonitory intention, that this would not be a propitious place for dying in a state of grace. But in time he came to suppose that perhaps its disorder obeyed an obscure determination of Divine Providence.
Sigh. What I'm loving about this book is the palate of the vocabulary. The words sound beautiful leaving the lips. Sometimes I'll just read out loud, chewing on the phrases, really paying attention to the sound of the sentances. How often is it that a novel written in another language causes you to slow down and enjoy the experience of reading your own? It's not often that I read books that give me an opportunity to really appreciate the experience of English. It takes a masterful command of words...both the by the author, and the translator. If you skimmed through the above passage just to get a quick sense for what I'm talking about, go back, read it again slowly and outloud, and really listen. It's good stuff. Anyhow, I can't wait to finish this book, and it's already become one of my all time favorites.
Those of you who know me well at all know my admittedly bizzare aversion to movies. Well, believe it or not, part of the reason I have delayed finishing two good books is that I've actually watched, like, three movies in the past week. Yeah, I don't know what's gotten into me, but I know it won't last. I don't have a lot to say about them, but I thought I'd just mention them for shits and giggles. First I watched Fun With Dick and Jane, which was funny, but not that funny. Then I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which was really entertaining, and unintentionally left me feeling much fonder of Angelina Jolie. Finally, I watched Two for the Money, which was ok. It was predictable, and a lot less mafioso-ish than I had anticipated...but Al Pacino had some really great one-line zingers. Nothing to take to the Caan film festival...but then again, neither is the DaVinci code, and well, yeah. All in all, they were light-hearted and unaffecting...just how I like em'. If I wanted to be challenged, then I'd rather read a book. And that's the honest to God truth.
But...and this is 100% Chris's fault...I do have a new television passion. Arrested Development is without question, the funniest show on television. Period. Ever. It kicks Seinfeld in the balls. I was a little skeptical when I put on the first disk...but that skepticism rapidly turned into side-cramping, tear-inducing laughter. Jason Bateman. You have come so far from Teen Wolf 2! So far. Yeah, as most of you know, I was never one of those girls who had posters of celebrities on their wall, or cut out collages from Elle magazine....but Jason Bateman...he's gotten A LOT better with age. If I had known about Arrested Development in my younger days...he could have changed that. If anyone hasn't seen the show and doesn't know who he is, he kind of looks like a cross between Michael J. Fox, and Jerry O'Donnel (who I think is now on Crossing Jordan, or some crapp show like that). Except in my opinion...way easier on the eyes than either of them. Plus he's hilarious. So yeah. He's now up there with Ewan McGregor. It's just an amazing comedy, and I'll be using the memorable one-liners throughout my posts from this day forward. I will not rest until all my friends have seen Arrested Development. Someday, when I'm rich, I'll buy all of you the 3 season dvds. That's a promise.
Sorry about all the Jason Bateman talk. I get like this every 3 or 4 years. I find an actor who I marvel at for a couple days...and then I'm over it. The rest of the cast is equally phenomenal. Ok. I'm done for now. I promise. But I will convert you.
And...ummmm....I think my last pet interest that I have to report on is Maltheism. Is Maltheism the new black? Has it replaced Scientology? No. Nothing will replace my sick love of Scientology. But Maltheism is really entertaining too. Maltheists...are...not Satanists, or Atheists, or Agnostics, or even Humanist-Secularists, (although out of all of the groups listed they're probably closest to Humanists...which is really screwed up actually). No. Maltheists believe in God. They do not try to deny that God exists, nor do they even think its unlikely or unknowable that God exists. These people believe in God, but they believe that God is evil, malicious, a sabateur and a liar. These are people who believe in God, but who HATE him. They believe that God is trying to smite their efforts to be successfull and happy, and sucess for them, is measured by how well they are able to overcome God's focused effort to ruin their lives.
I think I'm just gonna' let that one stand for itself. No further comment should be necessary.
- Mood:procrastinating
- Music:Mary Mary
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| Mi descansa es llena de la ambición, que nunca me deja en paz ni tranquilidad.
Concerning desirable futures and ambitions, it might be worth clarifying what some of these are. Now everyone will understand how much of a weirdo I am, though probably most people who read my posts have some degree of awareness of this. Anyhow, these are the ones that keep me awake at night. Seriously. I’m not being figurative. They rob me of sleep.
1. Language: I’m not usually into self-inflicting pain at any level, but the exception to this could be foreign tongues. Without question, my journey in Spanish has been traumatic, painful, terrifying, humiliating, desperate, delicious and joyful. I’ve been speaking for close to ten years now, but the experience has been a powerful mental contraction with a slow enduring release. I laid the groundwork as a teenager, my abilities were challenged beyond reason or safety in Las Yungas, in Santa Cruz, in nameless places, and the trauma is still resolving itself today, in the form of words I never knew I possessed.
I am simply incapable of ceasing this obsession. Speaking in another language is…is…akin to putting on powerful glasses that reveal new clarity in any given situation. Along with a new language comes a whole realm of words and phrases that are absent from English (obviously, people learning English have a similar experience). For example, in Portuguese saudades is a word with no easy equivalent in English. Loosely translated, it means ‘longing’, ‘homesick’, ‘forlorn’. To Brazilians, it’s a common and fairly important word, but to us, even though we may have a similar emotional experience, we lack a concise word that captures the idea cleanly. In this case, what can be said easily and gracefully in Portuguese, requires a much different approach in English. The very idea of a subjunctive case requires a totally different system of mental organization. Learning a language is about learning a new organizational framework through which to view the world. A language is not simply the total sum of its vocabulary. It is a system, a method, a lens.
I could go on endlessly about this, and someday, I will. For now, I think I’ll just cut to the chase. These are the language I want to learn in my lifetime, and I’ve put them in rough order of which I’ll realistically be tackling first: 1. French (Canadian dialect), 2. German, 3. Russian, 4. Mandarin, 5. Hindi (modern), 6. Arabic, 7. Greek (ancient), 8. Hebrew. Out of all of those, I think the biggest challenge will be the Russian and the Mandarin. I say Russian, because it has well over a dozen different declensions, and then all the verb tense conjugations within those declensions, and Mandarin, because of the subtlety of pronunciation and its affect on meaning, which has always been one of my weaknesses. Oh yeah, and at the expense of sounding pretentious, I also plan to learn to read Latin too. That shouldn’t be too big of a deal, since I had one year in high school. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t even have put German on the list, if it weren’t for the fact that Jeanine is a good friend, and it only seems fair that I make some kind of effort when I’m on her home turf to speak something she’s more familiar with…even though she enjoys English and is quite fluent in it. All I really want to say is that French has been on my mind constantly, and that I’m planning on beginning a sequence at the university this fall, even though that technically against the rules outlined for Vistas…but screw it. They can’t stop me. I’m obsessed.
--side note: I just picked up Gabriel García Marquez’s Love in the Time of Cholera, and it is exquisitely translated and it is absolutely stunning in English and I am dying to get my hands on a copy of the Spanish. I think I will add it to my Amazon wish list. I highly, highly, highly recommend it. I might post an excerpt later to further tempt you all. –
2. Business: When I’m not salivating over language study and grammar books online, I’m being pestered by this obnoxious desire for financial independence. I don’t really have as much to say about my quiet lust to take my destiny out of the hands of well meaning but distracted managers. Owning my own business would most certainly take my professional success or failure out of the hands of others and pit me squarely against invisible and powerful market forces, against which I’ll either prevail or drown in a pool of defeat, but either way, I’ll know that it was my own doing. My decisions will have consequences and not be lost in the shuffle and paper-storm of social service bureaucracy. I have specific ideas about what kinds of business I want to own, and much of my free thinking time is consumed with ironing out and weighing particular details.
3. Metalworking: Some have heard me say that small metal working is the only thing I’ve ever done in my entire life that you have to physically peel me away from. Ten, twelve hours can pass without recognition. Of all the visual arts, it is by far the most addictive. Which is something I never would have expected, considering my mild pyrophobia. The worst aspect of this obsession is that its freakin’ expensive, and I have no access beyond my sketches. I don’t really have enough dough to install an industrial vent in my apartment. Asphyxiation is a real drag. Someday, perhaps I can combine this passion with the one listed above.
That’s all I can really write at length about today. I would include motherhood, and missionary as two other possibilities I’m excited about…but my thoughts about these are less defined. I put language first, and devoted a lot of time to describing what goes on in my head, but the other things I’ve mentioned often dominate…
My brain is a hive. Sigh. - Mood:starry eyed
- Music:Nuevo Latino
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| I’m not yet “old”, but eventually, I’m going to have to figure out what exactly it is that I want. Believe me, it isn’t for want of ideas. At any given moment, there are at least 20 or 30 people in my imagination that I would rather be, than the person I am right here, right now…including, and not limited to, an individual who recognizes she was put in this very place, in this very way, in this very time for a precise reason that will escape her, if she fails to cease wishing she was somebody else. Perhaps I am that person insomuch as that she, like the minister, like the metalworker, like the mother, is an icon in my imagination of desirable futures, and that, on one level; I can’t be a person I am unable to imagine…and then again…I wonder how true that is. Because I certainly never imagined in the past, who I am right now. So this leads me in a circle to where I began: knowing that daydreaming about a particular future is, in a way, pointless…because a future desired in the past never accurately materializes in the present…
…Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food? And the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...
That’s what Christ says…but I’m a sinner, and I want what I want, when I want it. Even though I believe firmly in purpose, that our Creator has chiseled each one of us precisely to his liking, I still would rather believe that MY purpose lies in the future…rather than here and now…mailing MaineCare applications, and menial data entry. Do I really think it’s a sin to want more for your life than you have right now? Probably not. But thirsting for the future at the cost of the present feels a little like I’m whispering sweet nothings to God. I mutter my gratitude under my breath and I shout in the canyon for what I think I deserve to have coming to me.
So does acknowledging this lust for the future reconcile me to what I’ve been given today? I can’t answer that, but there are two things I’m quite certain of…that God knows my heart, and that God is abundant. I’m sure he knows that I want more than this. What He plans to do about it, well, I guess that’s for tomorrow. | |
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| Back around the beginning of the month, I began writing this humungous entry about accompanying Andy to his April sales drive “kick-off’ event. Unfortunately, like so many things I attempt, ambition and gluttony for detail caused my efforts to become quite mired. Although it was a very entertaining day, and my accounting of it was, thus far, funny, I shall not be posting it, because I never finished it. It was already three and a half pages single spaced…and I hadn’t even gotten the story to lunchtime. One might think that I have novelist tendencies…but, alas, I am unable to resolve anything I begin. I would never be able to write anything shorter than War and Peace…and certainly I would be unable to come up with any plot worth that kind of time investment. And I can guarantee the ending would suck. I’ll stick to poetry and short verse, which allows me to exit at any time without botching the whole effort. Besides, I’m sure that most of you will hear about the Electrolux adventure sooner than later. If you’re really interested in the highlights…call me.
Actually, my writing in a live journal has more to do with that problem then most might guess…the problem of having surges of tremendous inspiration and dedication to a sparky new idea or project, putting obsessive and meticulous effort into its genesis…and then totally dropping the ball, because I get tired, because I get distracted, because the enormity of what I’ve set out to do kicks my ass. My thesis would be a near-perfect example of that weakness. It would have been an absolutely perfect example if I hadn’t finished it. But I did, more than a year late and literally 60 pages longer than anyone wanted it to be in the first place. In that case, it wasn’t exactly like biting off more than I could chew…it was more like putting the whole apple in my mouth at once…which is really a funny mental image, (I ponder the idea of stuffing an enormous steak into my mouth, and decide it’s too gross to consider any longer). So as I may have expressed to one or two of you along the road, this live journal experiment is, if nothing else, a personal challenge for myself to stick with something beyond the introduction, beyond the first few pages, beyond the first few entries. Normally, a month’s + hiatus would totally bum me out and make me want to jump ship, (that’s how I feel with my paper journals, I write in them for about a month, abandon journal writing for six months, and then find it impossible to return to that same journal…though that could have more to do with my passionate obsession with new stationary than any dangling character flaws)…but I am not going to jump ship today!
I’ve had a very anti-social month, and I’ve managed to do as little as humanly possible considering the times in which we live. I haven’t called anybody, I haven’t gone anywhere, I haven’t contributed to bettering the earth in any way…and this attitude has most definitely carried over into work, (I noted that as earlier this week I emptied my voice mail of 45 unreturned call messages). I’ve eaten food, screwed around on my computer, watched tv, and otherwise anesthetized myself to everything around me. This lameness is motivated by something…something which I am currently in the uncomfortable process of uncovering…something which I don’t feel like voicing here today. I’m not up to writing about it, not because it’s “private”, or “personal”, but more because it requires very delicate wording…words that I haven’t found quite yet. | |
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| My band name blows! Nicki gets "The Playdough Ninjas" and I get "The Puffy Twins" !?! There is no justice in the world! (Here I am not implying in any way that "The Puffy Twins" would be more apt or descriptive of Nicki than myself...I just don't think anybody should call themselves "The Puffy Twins"). Actually, for some reason, "The Puffy Twins" reminds me of that one-hit teenie-pop lesbian/school girl (or supposed lesbian) duo from Russia that flashed and faded about two years ago. The only line from their song I remember (and I think it was the only line in the song), went like "They're not gonna get us" or "They're not gonna take us". If anybody remembers their name, let me know because it's driving me nuts! I've been cogitating on it all week long, (actually, I first heard about it on CNBC Europe when I was in Zurich...much to my excitement), and think I must dedicate at least a little time to the recent developments in Scientology...easily one of my favorite subjects. Instead of pasting an article, you can check out this link at beliefnet: http://www.beliefnet.com/story/188/story_18805_1.html, if you are unfamiliar with the recent developments. Actually, there really isn't a whole lot to comment on, concerning this specific incident between Issac Hayes and South Park. The fact that he cited the religious intolerance and bigotry of the show as his reason for leaving, and then touting himself as a civil-rights activist over the past 40 years is so obviously and plainly full of crap. I can't claim to know anything about what Issac Hayes has done to advance the cause of civil liberty in the US over the past 40 years...so I probably can't say that he's lying, or has some false image of himself. Frankly, I think South Park is a terrific program, that the creators really are "equal opportunity offenders", and that in a weird way, it's really good for cultural relations in our country. So I thought he was doing a good thing on the show. If there's one thing South Park has been year after year it's consistently offensive. Nine years is a long time to suddenly come to the opinion that the creators cross boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, when it comes to religious belief. If Hayes was the kind of person to take offense at the Virgin Mary spewing menstrual fluid onto the Pope's face, or Jesus getting his ass kicked by satan...then he probably would have left the show after the first or second episode. Realistically, he never would have signed a contract in the first place. Obviously, Issac Hayes isn't really offended by all the laughs at the expense of other religions...just the ones pointed at his. The creators are right on; nine years is a long time to be cashing checks making fun of everyone else. Hayes announced he was leaving the show on the anniversary of L. Ron Hubbard's death. Something else is going on here. On the Scientology debate forum on Beliefnet, one poster (a former Scientologist) suggested that Hayes was pressured to leave by members of the "Sea Org", which is what they call their churches' high-level administration and leaders. Hayes could have been brought before an ethics committee, and possibly be labeled a "Supressive Person", which would cause him to be ostracized by other Church of Scientology members. You can read the churches' definition of suppressive people at: http://www.gerryarmstrong.org/50grand/cult/sp/spd-28-1982-08-13.html#spd28 . You can make up your own mind as to the authenticity, as obviously this is an anti-scientology site. If you take it for what it is, then it becomes quite clear how Matt Stone and Trey Parker are "SPs". Of course, I don't know first hand how these matters are handled within the church, as I have never been a scientologist, but based off of what I have read so far, it seems probable to me that Hayes could have been given some kind of ultimatum by the leadership. I was thinking how it was kind of strange for Hayes to distance himself at this point in time. But then it occurred to me that if CoS didn't give Hayes an ultimatum by threatening him with being labeled an SP, then they would certainly be able to extract more money out of him for a longer period of time. Which still leaves me wondering why Hayes chose to separate from South Park at this time. Was the church playing hardball? Or is Hayes just a self-righteous douche? The chances for either one are even-steven I think. table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#C8C8FF" align="center"> Your Band Name is:</td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#E9E9FF"> 
The Puffy Twins</td></tr></table> - Mood:investigative
- Music:Rolf's bluegrass is kicking my nuevo latino's ass
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